I hate old people that drive especially the really old drivers.  I hate their giant sunglasses, huge cars, and general disregard for safety and the speed limit.  I generally don’t have a lot of road rage, but you get me behind a 70 year old doing 25 in a 45, and I will lose my f-ing mind.  It is at those moments in time that I begin to have fantasies about mounting machine guns to the hood of my car, and I promise that I don’t really want to shoot at other cars with said machine guns (yes I do).  All of these dark fantasies could be stopped by having old people removed from the roads.

Why is it that I got my license 14 years ago, and not once have I ever had to retest?  What other operated vehicle on Earth is not backed by a program that requires constant testing and retesting?  I can’t buy alcohol on Sunday in my state, but if I fought in the Civil War I can still drive my car without anyone batting an eye.  Get drunk on Sunday: Hell No!  Drive as crazy as I want: Hell Yes!

Now I don’t hate old people in general.  I love hanging out with my Grandma, and hearing her tell stories of busting caps in hater’s asses.  I just don’t like her driving.  If I had to make a choice between getting punched in the dick or riding in the car with Grandma then I would need some ice.

If by chance you are an old person who has stumbled your way onto the internet after randomly pressing buttons on “that damn machine”, and you have found your way to my site I welcome you.  I also will tell you to toss your keys in the toilet, and spend the last glory days of your life off the road.  Cars move to fast these days, so leave the driving to the kids.  You and your wrinkled old friends can save public transportation by just taking the subway, train, or bus.  Who else has nothing to do all day but wait on these things besides you and your friends?  Do us all the favor and stay off the roads.

I hate infomercials.  I hate them with a passion.  But I love a Billy May’s commercial.  I think that magic behind them was his over the top personality, and the fact that what he was pushing is actually worth a damn.  I can’t think of anyone I know that doesn’t have now, or at some point in the past, a bottle of OxiClean in their possession.  I believed in Billy and that was the power of his commercials.  You can’t ignore a man with that much passion for their product.

I had recently become a huge fan of his TV show on Discovery, Pitchmen.  It showed that there was more to the yelling guy on TV, and the more I watched the bigger the fan I became.  I love sales.  I love the fact that nothing happens in life without it, and I love watching people that are good at it in action.  Billy took what some consider an old and outdated way of selling, and turned it into a billion dollar business.  Along the way he also taught everyone a lesson on the power of buiding a personal brand.  Who would have thought that a yell, a beard, and a blue shirt could be worth so much money?

My heart goes out to his family, and especially to his little girl.  A man with a personality that large will leave a gap in their lives.  I, for one, will miss you and your commercials, Billy.  I promise if I get the chance I will punch the ShamWow guy in the nuts for you.  I hope you get a blue shirt in Heaven.

]]> http://mentalslavery.wordpress.com/2009/06/28/ill-miss-you-billy-mays/feed/ 3 The Boss mays_wp http://mentalslavery.wordpress.com/2009/06/19/music-was-fun-once/ http://mentalslavery.wordpress.com/2009/06/19/music-was-fun-once/#comments Sat, 20 Jun 2009 02:21:21 +0000 The Boss http://mentalslavery.wordpress.com/?p=23 ]]> I was browsing through the news today when I came across this gem.  I must admit that I am not quite sure how I feel about this.  On one hand I am not shocked that the jury came out so hard against her since stealing is stealing.  However, I wonder how many members of the jury or people they know download music illegally?  I would bet that it is much higher then one would think.

What I do know for sure is that the Recording Industry Association of America’s (RIAA) pursuit of these lawsuits and settlements are beyond stupid, and it will only lead to the further demise of their ability to sell music.  The cat is out of the bag for their industry, and all of the lawsuits in the world will not get it back in the bag.

It amuses me to walk into a Walmart or Target and find CDs selling for the same amount of money as they did 10 years ago.  Is it due to the cost of all of the theft, or is it simply greed?  I find it hard to believe that in a world where Chinese industrial might has driven down the cost of making everything that the price of a CD has stayed so flat.  That being said I can only assume that the price has stayed the same due to a dying profit stream being artificially frozen to maintain profits in a declining market.

Everyone I know steals music.  The scary thing for the RIAA is that NO ONE THINKS IT IS WRONG.  It has become what you do when you want to get that new album or hear that new song.  ITunes is a great business model, but I think that the price points are still too high.  The future is not CD’s or lawsuits.  The future is an organic sales model and 360 degree contracts that generate profit from more sources then just the physical version of the music.  It creates a deeper commitment between the artist and the company, and when done correctly can make music exciting again.

Everything dies and fades away.  Companies and products burn bright and fade like shooting stars.  The truly great ones realize ways to capture the fire and to ensure that it continues to burn.  I am reminded of companies like Kodak who saw the market changing and decided to embrace the change.  I am also reminded of companies like Sony who innovated with the Walkman only to realize too late that the world wanted digital and not physical.  If you do not believe me when I say that the current way of selling music is dead, then I ask you to try and remember the last time you couldn’t wait to buy a new album.

To better understand the reason behind my being called lazy, you must know some information about me. I am on a break from working out right now, and I could fall into the category of “Let Myself Go”. I was in the military for six years, and every Monday, Wednesday, and Friday I was up and running by 6am. I was like the USPS in that I had to run in rain, sleet, or snow. I enjoy exercise and love the feeling I get running, but I am not going to lie when I say that I haven’t missed it at all. I enjoy sleeping in and my only brush with the cold is my morning walking of the dog. My break with working out was only going to last a couple weeks but as of today is going on six months strong.

I have also enjoyed all the lovely food that I couldn’t eat in the military due to a weight limit. I have crammed six years of repressed eating into six months and it now shows. I don’t mind it at all since it gives me somewhere to rest my arms, but I find that I am starting to miss my old ability to tie my shoes and not lose my breath. However, I don’t miss it enough to go running…yet.

Now I know that you are probably asking yourself, “How in the hell does this guy think that he doesn’t deserve the lazy badge”? Well I have a simple answer for you, I earned it. Yep, that is right. I feel I have earned every bit of this chubby suit I am wearing. Also, I am only lazy right now with working out and not with work, chores, etc. Therefore, I don’t think I should be called lazy. Nonathletic? Maybe. Lazy? Nope.

I plan to start working out again soon since my pants are getting tight. Now if you just thought to yourself that I should buy new pants a size bigger, you are truly lazy. I am too cheap to go that route, and I feel that the tight pants should always be enough of a warning that you need to turn it up. Don’t use the pants method though if you are in the 40 or 50 size range. If you are wearing those, then they are probably stretchy pants and can’t be trusted.

Anyway, the only thing that matters in life is whether you are happy. I don’t care if you are 90lbs or 500lbs, if you are happy with yourself then more power! Everyone knows the risks these days for everything, so don’t preach to me that anyone that is 500lbs shouldn’t be happy. If you are that big and you love it, then listen to your own heart. After all, we only have one life to live.

Now before I continue I must admit that I had no interest in this man’s business proposition. I was merely interested in proving whether or not I can smell a scam as good as I think I can. You see, I am in sales and I have to serve my own brand of BS to people daily. I don’t lie or cheat people, but I do have to play the sales game with them. I like to think of it as a form of courtship, and I like to see how others do it. I also like to sharpen my BS detector from time to time.

So here I am in Starbucks listening to this man give me a pitch about how I can make 3k a month working 5-10 hours a week. Sounds pretty good, right? It has all the key points that make people want to believe in it (be your own boss, make easy money, buy your dream home). I was, as they say, sitting there waiting for the hammer to fall, and after 20 minutes of this it did. Suddenly the urgency to commit was ramped up, and I was told that I was the “lucky” last guy looked at and that the train was leaving town. If I wanted to be on that train I had to JUMP ON IT NOW! Lucky for me, they were having a meeting that I could be squeezed into, but I had to say yes now!

Here was my moment of decision and it was a very hard one. I had come to this Starbucks and listened to this gentleman’s pitch. The train was leaving and I couldn’t decide what to do. You see, Starbucks just came out with a new drink I really like, but I couldn’t decide it I wanted to get it in the medium or large. What? You thought I was hung up on the sales pitch? My mama didn’t raise no fool!

I thanked him for his time and told him that I do not commit to anything without first doing my homework. He didn’t seem to like that answer and told me more about how easy it was and how they take luxury retreats as part of their business workshops. I still declined and asked for time to look over the brochure. If you have never seen someone end a meeting in under 30 seconds, then I highly suggest meeting with a gentleman like this. All marketing material was swept into his planner, a hand shake was giving, and I was told to think it over and he would call. Thank you, come again. I was left to order my coffee, and reflect on the missed train.

For those of you who aren’t familiar with a MLM (Multi-Level Marketing) offer, this is an example of one. You are normally approached by a friend of a friend or a stranger like I was. They are always friendly and if they don’t drag you to one of their group meetings, they will take you to a safe place (ie. Starbucks). They ask alot of getting to know you questions, and will take their time in making their pitch. Once they start the pitch they will tell you all of the wonderful things that we all want to hear, and they will use the information you told them to lean it towards you. The safe pitch will have lots of great looking pamplets and these will support what they are saying, but you are almost never going to walk away with one of them. The group meetings will offer you a much harder pitch in the form of what I like to call the “Revival”. It will remind you a lot of those traveling preachers who try and sell you on the greatness of their religion, but with no real substance to the facts. One key sign of an MLM is if they want you to bring your spouse or partner with you to these meetings. Peer pressure is a bitch, and they are masters of it. The entire time the pressure to commit, to grasp this fleeting chance, is turned up slowly until you are forced to decide now or you will forever miss out.

Information is normally kept at a minimum due to the complaints against most MLM’s. They are quasi-legal companies that a lot of people lose money doing. They may seem like a great investment and a real easy money maker, but it always comes back to there is no easy way to make money. Those who work them hard will make money, but the average Joe will be stuck with a lot of company materials about how to make money with little to none in their pocket. As always, buyer beware.

What, pray tell, is the Forever Stamp? The Forever Stamp is the newest stamp on the block, and it is so cool that it is good forever! No need to go out and buy those annoying two cent stamps or stick twice the postage on a letter anymore. With the Forever Stamp, you simply buy it and use it. You never have to worry about the cost of postage again.

Now, I know what you are thinking. You are thinking that the Forever Stamp is a great idea, and why didn’t good ol’ Ben Franklin think of it? Now I agree with you that the Forever Stamp is a great idea, but I disagree with the implementation of the idea. I will now take the time to explain to you why I think it is stupid and sucks, so that you don’t have to think for yourself.

First and foremost, I believe that the Postal Service has done it’s job and should be closed. Now before any Postal Worker’s decide to go, um, postal on me, hear me out. The USPS was founded to provide a service that couldn’t be matched in the private sector. It was very good at this service for a very long time, but the demands of a modern society and the competition from the private sector are destroying it. This year, even with the stamp hike, the USPS will have a 5.2 BILLION dollar deficit. Let me remind you that it is you, Mr. Taxpayer, that is supporting this institution.

Second, there is no price difference between a Forever Stamp and a regular stamp. The whole idea behind the stamp is to make it something special that people will buy to avoid their stamps expiring, but with no difference in price why would you buy the regular stamp? The Post Office is all excited about this stamp because they feel that it will led to an increase of stamp sales right before a postage hike as people feel like they are getting something for less. The USPS are betting on people buying them in bulk and giving the USPS the money that they would spend over the course of a year or more of stamp buying right now.

Smart move, poor excution. With no difference in the cost of a Forever Stamp and a regular stamp it would be absolutely stupid of someone to spend the same money on a stamp that will not be good forever. It would be like buying a car that deprecates when you can get a car that doesn’t for the same price. Please don’t use the excuse that the 41 cent stamps are pretty because no one looks at the damn stamp on a letter!

If they truly wanted it to be something special they would only offer it right before a hike, and they would charge a penny more then the current cost. You , Johnny Customer, would still save money since they are cheaper then the upcoming cost, but you, Susie Post Office, wouldn’t devalue the product by having it out all the time. However, this is a government institution we are talking about, and smart and government do not go hand in hand.

So there is my argument on why this idea is so great and yet so stupid. I know that I will never buy a regular stamp again since it would be just too stupid to do so. I have nothing against the USPS, but I feel that their time is coming to an end. I will toast you, fair Postman, as you ride into the sunset!

Your favorite games are great for memories or argument’s over whether Double Dragon was better then Super Mario Brother’s. They are not so good for revisiting. All that you will accomplish by doing this is destroying the memories of hours spent playing The Legend Of Zelda. You will realize that they kind of suck now that you have been shown the future.

Now I am not saying that the games themselves suck, but that we are so much older and so much further developed technically. When they are viewed in the light of the present, the once bright star begins to dim. I have ruined my memories of a couple of these, and I will not destroy the rest. Your experience my be different, but for me the past is better left in my memories.

Now I know that some of you might say that I didn’t give it enough time to grow on me or that I just suck. The answer to both of those is no, so you can go back to living at home with your mom. Just a suggestion.

My problem is that it is just button mashing, and at the end of the day you don’t know how to play a guitar. I am sure that girls think that bragging about how awesome you are at the game is a lot cooler then shredding on a real guitar. Who needs real skills anyway?

There is only one thing that could make Guitar Hero cool, and it is pictured below. Nothing but the Chuck can save this game, and only if he kills people with the guitar.

Guy’s use farts as a way of messing with each other, defining what they ate that day, or revenge. Nothing beats dropping a hot bit of mustard gas in someone’s car, and watching them climb in after that devil’s aerosol has had time to cook in the day’s heat. That is a dish best served warm!

However, there is a darkside to farts. It is a nasty side that most men, mostly the unmarried, try to deny exist’s. It is the back alley world of farting, and it is filled with lies and deception. Yes, I am talking about Girl Farts!

Most guy’s will never run into an outright example of this until they develop a serious relationship with one of the “finer” sex. You have probably run into one a couple times before this, but they can be hidden as dog farts, farts that were in the aisle before she got there, or farts that you let slip and don’t remember. That last one is a popular excuse, and most guy’s will fall for it because it isn’t that far fetched.

One of the myth’s surrounding a girl fart is that it smells like rose’s, and I am sad to say that myth is a lie. Trash smell’s like trash, and a fart smell’s like a fart. The only problem isn’t the smell, but that something so pretty could create that evil. Guy’s are pretty nasty to begin with, but girls are mostly nice to look at and relatively clean. This apperance of good loosens the guard and lowers the defense.

I am all for the equality of the sex’s, but I still find my soul cringing at a fart squeaking from the cheek’s of a woman. My fart’s can smell like I shoved a corpse up my ass, but let that come from a woman and I want to vomit. I have actually been in a store and had a woman fart in the aisle I was in. I know it was her based off the fact that it wasn’t me and I heard it announce it’s birth. She looked at me, and I looked at her. The awkward situation became more so when I was greeted with a smell of cabbage and week-old dead raccoon. She whispered something about Mexican food; but my soul was trying to leave my body, so I didn’t really hear her.

All I want is to go back to the day’s where the Girl Fart was something whispered about on the playground. Day’s where sugar and spice were true, and that only nasty Bradley would fart. Those were the good ol’ days. Those were the day’s that I loved.