Archive for the ‘Government’ Category

I was driving to work today enjoying my QT doughnut and coffee when all of a sudden the ass-clown driving the car in front of me slammed on their breaks.  Since I have the reflexes of a Jedi I didn’t spill or drop anything, but I did become overwhelmed by a Hulk-like rage.  I decided to do the mature thing, so I passed them screaming and cursing while flicking them the bird only to find out that it was one of the most dangerous people to have behind a wheel: the elderly.

I hate old people that drive especially the really old drivers.  I hate their giant sunglasses, huge cars, and general disregard for safety and the speed limit.  I generally don’t have a lot of road rage, but you get me behind a 70 year old doing 25 in a 45, and I will lose my f-ing mind.  It is at those moments in time that I begin to have fantasies about mounting machine guns to the hood of my car, and I promise that I don’t really want to shoot at other cars with said machine guns (yes I do).  All of these dark fantasies could be stopped by having old people removed from the roads.

Why is it that I got my license 14 years ago, and not once have I ever had to retest?  What other operated vehicle on Earth is not backed by a program that requires constant testing and retesting?  I can’t buy alcohol on Sunday in my state, but if I fought in the Civil War I can still drive my car without anyone batting an eye.  Get drunk on Sunday: Hell No!  Drive as crazy as I want: Hell Yes!

Now I don’t hate old people in general.  I love hanging out with my Grandma, and hearing her tell stories of busting caps in hater’s asses.  I just don’t like her driving.  If I had to make a choice between getting punched in the dick or riding in the car with Grandma then I would need some ice.

If by chance you are an old person who has stumbled your way onto the internet after randomly pressing buttons on “that damn machine”, and you have found your way to my site I welcome you.  I also will tell you to toss your keys in the toilet, and spend the last glory days of your life off the road.  Cars move to fast these days, so leave the driving to the kids.  You and your wrinkled old friends can save public transportation by just taking the subway, train, or bus.  Who else has nothing to do all day but wait on these things besides you and your friends?  Do us all the favor and stay off the roads.

In case you missed it, starting May 14th it will cost you more to send a letter then it did the previous week. The postage rate will now be 41 cents instead of 39, which for those of you who suck at math is two cents more expensive. This means that now you must go out and buy yourself some lovely two cent stamps. Lord knows that everyone hates that chore. Wait a minute! The Postal Service has read your little mind and has felt your grief at having to buy two cent stamps. Enter the FOREVER STAMP!!!

Forever Stamp

What, pray tell, is the Forever Stamp? The Forever Stamp is the newest stamp on the block, and it is so cool that it is good forever! No need to go out and buy those annoying two cent stamps or stick twice the postage on a letter anymore. With the Forever Stamp, you simply buy it and use it. You never have to worry about the cost of postage again.

Now, I know what you are thinking. You are thinking that the Forever Stamp is a great idea, and why didn’t good ol’ Ben Franklin think of it? Now I agree with you that the Forever Stamp is a great idea, but I disagree with the implementation of the idea. I will now take the time to explain to you why I think it is stupid and sucks, so that you don’t have to think for yourself.

First and foremost, I believe that the Postal Service has done it’s job and should be closed. Now before any Postal Worker’s decide to go, um, postal on me, hear me out. The USPS was founded to provide a service that couldn’t be matched in the private sector. It was very good at this service for a very long time, but the demands of a modern society and the competition from the private sector are destroying it. This year, even with the stamp hike, the USPS will have a 5.2 BILLION dollar deficit. Let me remind you that it is you, Mr. Taxpayer, that is supporting this institution.

Second, there is no price difference between a Forever Stamp and a regular stamp. The whole idea behind the stamp is to make it something special that people will buy to avoid their stamps expiring, but with no difference in price why would you buy the regular stamp? The Post Office is all excited about this stamp because they feel that it will led to an increase of stamp sales right before a postage hike as people feel like they are getting something for less. The USPS are betting on people buying them in bulk and giving the USPS the money that they would spend over the course of a year or more of stamp buying right now.

Smart move, poor excution. With no difference in the cost of a Forever Stamp and a regular stamp it would be absolutely stupid of someone to spend the same money on a stamp that will not be good forever. It would be like buying a car that deprecates when you can get a car that doesn’t for the same price. Please don’t use the excuse that the 41 cent stamps are pretty because no one looks at the damn stamp on a letter!

If they truly wanted it to be something special they would only offer it right before a hike, and they would charge a penny more then the current cost. You , Johnny Customer, would still save money since they are cheaper then the upcoming cost, but you, Susie Post Office, wouldn’t devalue the product by having it out all the time. However, this is a government institution we are talking about, and smart and government do not go hand in hand.

So there is my argument on why this idea is so great and yet so stupid. I know that I will never buy a regular stamp again since it would be just too stupid to do so. I have nothing against the USPS, but I feel that their time is coming to an end. I will toast you, fair Postman, as you ride into the sunset!