Archive for the ‘Humor’ Category

I was driving to work today enjoying my QT doughnut and coffee when all of a sudden the ass-clown driving the car in front of me slammed on their breaks.  Since I have the reflexes of a Jedi I didn’t spill or drop anything, but I did become overwhelmed by a Hulk-like rage.  I decided to do the mature thing, so I passed them screaming and cursing while flicking them the bird only to find out that it was one of the most dangerous people to have behind a wheel: the elderly.

I hate old people that drive especially the really old drivers.  I hate their giant sunglasses, huge cars, and general disregard for safety and the speed limit.  I generally don’t have a lot of road rage, but you get me behind a 70 year old doing 25 in a 45, and I will lose my f-ing mind.  It is at those moments in time that I begin to have fantasies about mounting machine guns to the hood of my car, and I promise that I don’t really want to shoot at other cars with said machine guns (yes I do).  All of these dark fantasies could be stopped by having old people removed from the roads.

Why is it that I got my license 14 years ago, and not once have I ever had to retest?  What other operated vehicle on Earth is not backed by a program that requires constant testing and retesting?  I can’t buy alcohol on Sunday in my state, but if I fought in the Civil War I can still drive my car without anyone batting an eye.  Get drunk on Sunday: Hell No!  Drive as crazy as I want: Hell Yes!

Now I don’t hate old people in general.  I love hanging out with my Grandma, and hearing her tell stories of busting caps in hater’s asses.  I just don’t like her driving.  If I had to make a choice between getting punched in the dick or riding in the car with Grandma then I would need some ice.

If by chance you are an old person who has stumbled your way onto the internet after randomly pressing buttons on “that damn machine”, and you have found your way to my site I welcome you.  I also will tell you to toss your keys in the toilet, and spend the last glory days of your life off the road.  Cars move to fast these days, so leave the driving to the kids.  You and your wrinkled old friends can save public transportation by just taking the subway, train, or bus.  Who else has nothing to do all day but wait on these things besides you and your friends?  Do us all the favor and stay off the roads.

Guitar Hero Sucks

Posted: April 23, 2007 in Games, Humor, opinion, personal

I played Guitar Hero yesterday for the first and last time. I was really excited about playing it based off all the review’s that scream how awesome it is. It took me a whole minute to realize that this game sucks. It is simply Dance, Dance Revolution for your fingers. There is really nothing all that great about mashing buttons with your hand to a fake crowd screaming for your fake guitar skills.

Now I know that some of you might say that I didn’t give it enough time to grow on me or that I just suck. The answer to both of those is no, so you can go back to living at home with your mom. Just a suggestion.

My problem is that it is just button mashing, and at the end of the day you don’t know how to play a guitar. I am sure that girls think that bragging about how awesome you are at the game is a lot cooler then shredding on a real guitar. Who needs real skills anyway?

There is only one thing that could make Guitar Hero cool, and it is pictured below. Nothing but the Chuck can save this game, and only if he kills people with the guitar.

Guitar Hero, Chuck Style

I don’t care how old I get, farting will still be funny. If ever someone wanted to argue that God has a sense of humor, then farting would be the universal joke. I am amazed at how I still can’t help but laugh over one.

Guy’s use farts as a way of messing with each other, defining what they ate that day, or revenge. Nothing beats dropping a hot bit of mustard gas in someone’s car, and watching them climb in after that devil’s aerosol has had time to cook in the day’s heat. That is a dish best served warm!

However, there is a darkside to farts. It is a nasty side that most men, mostly the unmarried, try to deny exist’s. It is the back alley world of farting, and it is filled with lies and deception. Yes, I am talking about Girl Farts!

Most guy’s will never run into an outright example of this until they develop a serious relationship with one of the “finer” sex. You have probably run into one a couple times before this, but they can be hidden as dog farts, farts that were in the aisle before she got there, or farts that you let slip and don’t remember. That last one is a popular excuse, and most guy’s will fall for it because it isn’t that far fetched.

One of the myth’s surrounding a girl fart is that it smells like rose’s, and I am sad to say that myth is a lie. Trash smell’s like trash, and a fart smell’s like a fart. The only problem isn’t the smell, but that something so pretty could create that evil. Guy’s are pretty nasty to begin with, but girls are mostly nice to look at and relatively clean. This apperance of good loosens the guard and lowers the defense.

I am all for the equality of the sex’s, but I still find my soul cringing at a fart squeaking from the cheek’s of a woman. My fart’s can smell like I shoved a corpse up my ass, but let that come from a woman and I want to vomit. I have actually been in a store and had a woman fart in the aisle I was in. I know it was her based off the fact that it wasn’t me and I heard it announce it’s birth. She looked at me, and I looked at her. The awkward situation became more so when I was greeted with a smell of cabbage and week-old dead raccoon. She whispered something about Mexican food; but my soul was trying to leave my body, so I didn’t really hear her.

All I want is to go back to the day’s where the Girl Fart was something whispered about on the playground. Day’s where sugar and spice were true, and that only nasty Bradley would fart. Those were the good ol’ days. Those were the day’s that I loved.

Girl Farting