Archive for the ‘opinion’ Category

At least once a week I will walk into a place of business looking to give them my money in exchange for something I want.  This is normally a pretty easy and uneventful thing to do since the process is not especially hard to do.

This is normally how it goes:

Me: “I want that.”

Business: “Ok, pay me and it’s yours.”

Me: Throws money at them and does the happy dance out of the store.

Not hard, right?

Enter The Annoyance

The problem is that every now and then when I go somewhere, wanting to simply throw money and do my happy dance, I run into whiny, ass-hat employees.  You know the type – openly complaining about their job, life, day, etc.  Every single time I run into these assholes I am reminded about why Amazon gets so much of my business.  They also ruin my happy dance, and worse they force me to reconsider my decisions to go out in public.

Shut Up and Do Your Job

Let’s get one thing straight when it comes to customer/employee interaction at most places of business.  If you are the customer then you are always right.  If you are the employee then you are there to ensure that the customer is always right and that everything in their life is rainbows and pop-tarts.  If you do anything else – YOU’RE DOING IT WRONG.

I don’t care anything at all about your stupid life, and I will only look at your stupid face as long as necessary.  Odds are that you are fat and your clothes are stained or wrinkled.  Why you would think that anyone cares at all about how pathetic or terrible your life can be is above me, but the truth is that we don’t.  You are a retail robot who has one goal, and one goal only: Make The Damn Sale.

How Quickly We Forget

Whatever happened to just being happy to have a job?  Railroad Joe, my local homeless hero, would kill you to have a job.  No, that’s not a joke.  He will literally stab you and then wear your clothes and pretend to be you.

This Great Recession was suppose to reeducate the losers in society, yet we have obviously failed in this mission somewhere.  If you hate your job so much then quit.  The same goes for your life.  Join a gym or jump off a bridge; just make a damn decision.  You belong to a generation of whiners and losers with a few gems tucked in mud.  You are not special, and you can’t have it your way.  Fuck your way.  Your way sucks.

You have a job, and all that you are asked to do is dress and act a certain way.  Plenty will take your job from you if you just can’t bear to do those things anymore.  However, we both know the truth.  You won’t quit.  That would require you to make a decision and take action.  It’s much easier to whine.

Sad But True

The worst part about the whole experience is that I normally run into these pathetic souls who perform in the presence of mismanagement this way.  I know.  WTF?  If you are a manager and you hear this and don’t do anything then you are part of the problem – The part I want to choke.  It is your job to keep the D-Players from making your company look like shit, but only 1% of you have the balls to do it.  The other 99% would rather be friends with their employees than their boss.  How can I ultimately be mad at them for acting the way they do when all you do is teach them it’s ok.

Manager: “Who taught you to whine and complain all the time?”

Employee: “I learned it from you!”

Customer: Cuts wrist and bleeds to death


I find it to be completely and totally worthless that I have to go to sleep.  What a waste of time.  The worse part about it is that you are forced to go to sleep because if you don’t you will die.  Wouldn’t it be great if sleeping was an option?  You could decide what to do with those 4-10 hours that you waste sweating in bed.  How much could we accomplish if we didn’t have to sleep?

I was driving to work today enjoying my QT doughnut and coffee when all of a sudden the ass-clown driving the car in front of me slammed on their breaks.  Since I have the reflexes of a Jedi I didn’t spill or drop anything, but I did become overwhelmed by a Hulk-like rage.  I decided to do the mature thing, so I passed them screaming and cursing while flicking them the bird only to find out that it was one of the most dangerous people to have behind a wheel: the elderly.

I hate old people that drive especially the really old drivers.  I hate their giant sunglasses, huge cars, and general disregard for safety and the speed limit.  I generally don’t have a lot of road rage, but you get me behind a 70 year old doing 25 in a 45, and I will lose my f-ing mind.  It is at those moments in time that I begin to have fantasies about mounting machine guns to the hood of my car, and I promise that I don’t really want to shoot at other cars with said machine guns (yes I do).  All of these dark fantasies could be stopped by having old people removed from the roads.

Why is it that I got my license 14 years ago, and not once have I ever had to retest?  What other operated vehicle on Earth is not backed by a program that requires constant testing and retesting?  I can’t buy alcohol on Sunday in my state, but if I fought in the Civil War I can still drive my car without anyone batting an eye.  Get drunk on Sunday: Hell No!  Drive as crazy as I want: Hell Yes!

Now I don’t hate old people in general.  I love hanging out with my Grandma, and hearing her tell stories of busting caps in hater’s asses.  I just don’t like her driving.  If I had to make a choice between getting punched in the dick or riding in the car with Grandma then I would need some ice.

If by chance you are an old person who has stumbled your way onto the internet after randomly pressing buttons on “that damn machine”, and you have found your way to my site I welcome you.  I also will tell you to toss your keys in the toilet, and spend the last glory days of your life off the road.  Cars move to fast these days, so leave the driving to the kids.  You and your wrinkled old friends can save public transportation by just taking the subway, train, or bus.  Who else has nothing to do all day but wait on these things besides you and your friends?  Do us all the favor and stay off the roads.

I must admit that I was utterly shocked to hear the news of Billy’s untimely death.  It seems that this last week has been a very bad one for celebrities.  Now I know that most people will say that he was an annoying guy in a blue shirt, but to me he was proof that hard work and talent can get you anywhere.

I hate infomercials.  I hate them with a passion.  But I love a Billy May’s commercial.  I think that magic behind them was his over the top personality, and the fact that what he was pushing is actually worth a damn.  I can’t think of anyone I know that doesn’t have now, or at some point in the past, a bottle of OxiClean in their possession.  I believed in Billy and that was the power of his commercials.  You can’t ignore a man with that much passion for their product.

I had recently become a huge fan of his TV show on Discovery, Pitchmen.  It showed that there was more to the yelling guy on TV, and the more I watched the bigger the fan I became.  I love sales.  I love the fact that nothing happens in life without it, and I love watching people that are good at it in action.  Billy took what some consider an old and outdated way of selling, and turned it into a billion dollar business.  Along the way he also taught everyone a lesson on the power of buiding a personal brand.  Who would have thought that a yell, a beard, and a blue shirt could be worth so much money?

My heart goes out to his family, and especially to his little girl.  A man with a personality that large will leave a gap in their lives.  I, for one, will miss you and your commercials, Billy.  I promise if I get the chance I will punch the ShamWow guy in the nuts for you.  I hope you get a blue shirt in Heaven.


I was browsing through the news today when I came across this gem.  I must admit that I am not quite sure how I feel about this.  On one hand I am not shocked that the jury came out so hard against her since stealing is stealing.  However, I wonder how many members of the jury or people they know download music illegally?  I would bet that it is much higher then one would think.

What I do know for sure is that the Recording Industry Association of America’s (RIAA) pursuit of these lawsuits and settlements are beyond stupid, and it will only lead to the further demise of their ability to sell music.  The cat is out of the bag for their industry, and all of the lawsuits in the world will not get it back in the bag.

It amuses me to walk into a Walmart or Target and find CDs selling for the same amount of money as they did 10 years ago.  Is it due to the cost of all of the theft, or is it simply greed?  I find it hard to believe that in a world where Chinese industrial might has driven down the cost of making everything that the price of a CD has stayed so flat.  That being said I can only assume that the price has stayed the same due to a dying profit stream being artificially frozen to maintain profits in a declining market.

Everyone I know steals music.  The scary thing for the RIAA is that NO ONE THINKS IT IS WRONG.  It has become what you do when you want to get that new album or hear that new song.  ITunes is a great business model, but I think that the price points are still too high.  The future is not CD’s or lawsuits.  The future is an organic sales model and 360 degree contracts that generate profit from more sources then just the physical version of the music.  It creates a deeper commitment between the artist and the company, and when done correctly can make music exciting again.

Everything dies and fades away.  Companies and products burn bright and fade like shooting stars.  The truly great ones realize ways to capture the fire and to ensure that it continues to burn.  I am reminded of companies like Kodak who saw the market changing and decided to embrace the change.  I am also reminded of companies like Sony who innovated with the Walkman only to realize too late that the world wanted digital and not physical.  If you do not believe me when I say that the current way of selling music is dead, then I ask you to try and remember the last time you couldn’t wait to buy a new album.


    I was accused of being lazy the other day. I normally don’t mind being called names, but I did mind this. Lazy is a nasty little four-letter word that doesn’t get a lot of notice. The reason that I minded being called this is that I didn’t feel it was justified.

To better understand the reason behind my being called lazy, you must know some information about me. I am on a break from working out right now, and I could fall into the category of “Let Myself Go”. I was in the military for six years, and every Monday, Wednesday, and Friday I was up and running by 6am. I was like the USPS in that I had to run in rain, sleet, or snow. I enjoy exercise and love the feeling I get running, but I am not going to lie when I say that I haven’t missed it at all. I enjoy sleeping in and my only brush with the cold is my morning walking of the dog. My break with working out was only going to last a couple weeks but as of today is going on six months strong.

I have also enjoyed all the lovely food that I couldn’t eat in the military due to a weight limit. I have crammed six years of repressed eating into six months and it now shows. I don’t mind it at all since it gives me somewhere to rest my arms, but I find that I am starting to miss my old ability to tie my shoes and not lose my breath. However, I don’t miss it enough to go running…yet.

Now I know that you are probably asking yourself, “How in the hell does this guy think that he doesn’t deserve the lazy badge”? Well I have a simple answer for you, I earned it. Yep, that is right. I feel I have earned every bit of this chubby suit I am wearing. Also, I am only lazy right now with working out and not with work, chores, etc. Therefore, I don’t think I should be called lazy. Nonathletic? Maybe. Lazy? Nope.

I plan to start working out again soon since my pants are getting tight. Now if you just thought to yourself that I should buy new pants a size bigger, you are truly lazy. I am too cheap to go that route, and I feel that the tight pants should always be enough of a warning that you need to turn it up. Don’t use the pants method though if you are in the 40 or 50 size range. If you are wearing those, then they are probably stretchy pants and can’t be trusted.

Anyway, the only thing that matters in life is whether you are happy. I don’t care if you are 90lbs or 500lbs, if you are happy with yourself then more power! Everyone knows the risks these days for everything, so don’t preach to me that anyone that is 500lbs shouldn’t be happy. If you are that big and you love it, then listen to your own heart. After all, we only have one life to live.

Fat Kid

I had an interesting “business meeting” today at my local Starbucks with a guy that I met at a gas station. No, I am not making this up. I was minding my own business and pumping some gas when a man approached me about finding homes in the area. Polite conversation led to him telling me about his business and how he was looking for new people. I said that I was always open to new things and so I find myself at Starbucks.

Now before I continue I must admit that I had no interest in this man’s business proposition. I was merely interested in proving whether or not I can smell a scam as good as I think I can. You see, I am in sales and I have to serve my own brand of BS to people daily. I don’t lie or cheat people, but I do have to play the sales game with them. I like to think of it as a form of courtship, and I like to see how others do it. I also like to sharpen my BS detector from time to time.

So here I am in Starbucks listening to this man give me a pitch about how I can make 3k a month working 5-10 hours a week. Sounds pretty good, right? It has all the key points that make people want to believe in it (be your own boss, make easy money, buy your dream home). I was, as they say, sitting there waiting for the hammer to fall, and after 20 minutes of this it did. Suddenly the urgency to commit was ramped up, and I was told that I was the “lucky” last guy looked at and that the train was leaving town. If I wanted to be on that train I had to JUMP ON IT NOW! Lucky for me, they were having a meeting that I could be squeezed into, but I had to say yes now!

Here was my moment of decision and it was a very hard one. I had come to this Starbucks and listened to this gentleman’s pitch. The train was leaving and I couldn’t decide what to do. You see, Starbucks just came out with a new drink I really like, but I couldn’t decide it I wanted to get it in the medium or large. What? You thought I was hung up on the sales pitch? My mama didn’t raise no fool!

I thanked him for his time and told him that I do not commit to anything without first doing my homework. He didn’t seem to like that answer and told me more about how easy it was and how they take luxury retreats as part of their business workshops. I still declined and asked for time to look over the brochure. If you have never seen someone end a meeting in under 30 seconds, then I highly suggest meeting with a gentleman like this. All marketing material was swept into his planner, a hand shake was giving, and I was told to think it over and he would call. Thank you, come again. I was left to order my coffee, and reflect on the missed train.

For those of you who aren’t familiar with a MLM (Multi-Level Marketing) offer, this is an example of one. You are normally approached by a friend of a friend or a stranger like I was. They are always friendly and if they don’t drag you to one of their group meetings, they will take you to a safe place (ie. Starbucks). They ask alot of getting to know you questions, and will take their time in making their pitch. Once they start the pitch they will tell you all of the wonderful things that we all want to hear, and they will use the information you told them to lean it towards you. The safe pitch will have lots of great looking pamplets and these will support what they are saying, but you are almost never going to walk away with one of them. The group meetings will offer you a much harder pitch in the form of what I like to call the “Revival”. It will remind you a lot of those traveling preachers who try and sell you on the greatness of their religion, but with no real substance to the facts. One key sign of an MLM is if they want you to bring your spouse or partner with you to these meetings. Peer pressure is a bitch, and they are masters of it. The entire time the pressure to commit, to grasp this fleeting chance, is turned up slowly until you are forced to decide now or you will forever miss out.

Information is normally kept at a minimum due to the complaints against most MLM’s. They are quasi-legal companies that a lot of people lose money doing. They may seem like a great investment and a real easy money maker, but it always comes back to there is no easy way to make money. Those who work them hard will make money, but the average Joe will be stuck with a lot of company materials about how to make money with little to none in their pocket. As always, buyer beware.